Bean Spill

I don’t think people realize things are idols until God tries to take it away. I definitely did not think school was an idol until I saw my grade for Computational Methods. The professor hasn’t entered a grade yet, but there was some mix-up and I’m really worried he won’t get around to it. If that happens, this will be my first failed class.

In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter, but judging by how worried I am about it, school is definitely an idol for me.

“Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.”

Luke 17:7-10

For some reason I have never heard of or read this passage before, and it hit me really hard. Doesn’t God love us, care for us, and take pleasure in us? Just last week the Austin Stone sermon was on how he was pleased with us!

But ultimately his purpose is to glorify his name. It is the right of a good God and is our duty is to do the same.

Christians should acknowledge that God owes them nothing and that theyowe him everything.

-ESV commentary (this actually says some pretty good things)

Of course God loves us and cares for us; that is core to the gospel. But bound to that love is his sovereignty.

Then I said I would pour out my wrath upon them and spend my anger against them in the midst of the land of Egypt. But I acted for the sake of my name…So I led them out of the land of Egypt and brought them into the wilderness.

But the house of Isreal rebelled against me in the wilderness…Then I said I would pour out my wrath upon them in the wilderness, to make a full end of them. But I acted for the sake of my name…my eye spared them, and I did not destroy them.

As I live, declares the Lord GOD, surely with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm and with wrath poured out I will be king over you.

Ezekiel 20:8-9, 13-14, 33

His sovereignty is tied up with his grace towards us. It is for the sake of his name that he saved the Isrealites in the past, and it is for the sake of his name that he saves Christians now.

Let us, when we have obeyed God through tears, sweat and pain, say to him: “We are unworthy servants, for we have only done what was our duty.”

Amen.

Hearing other people’s testimonies have been both encouraging and discouraging. Encouraging because through them I can see God working in people and it is so refreshing to hear this reminder of his existence and presence in this world. Discouraging because I honestly could not piece together a testimony from my life. So many people have this a-ha! moment or at the very least they slowly began to understand the gospel. My story had none. I still had so many unanswered questions and thoughts that it seemed as though the gospel did not answer anything in my life - and that scared me. Did that lack of understanding indicate a lack of salvation? Could I possibly be unsaved because the questions that other people seemed to have answered with the gospel were unanswered in my life? So testimonies encouraged me but also unnerved me because they forced me to look at my own self. 

And then, a day came when I needed to share my testimony. I knew I would have to face it sometime, but didn’t know when. A non-Christian friend of mine asked me about my story, and I didn’t want to feed her the same Christian answers that I could so easily come up with. I wanted to tell her why I believed, without all the smokescreen answers. I wanted to share my testimony - if only I knew what it was.

‘Share your story with us too,’ she said, looking at me. Ryan and Jonathan had just shared their testimonies, and they now turned to me.
‘Sure!’ I said cheerfully, but internally, I didn’t know what to do. I claimed to be Christian, and now was the time to share my testimony.

So I opened my mouth and began sharing. I brought up all the unanswered questions I had bottled up in my heart, but I spoke as though they were already answered, when they weren’t.

If life just collegejobwifekidshouseretiredie, is there anything to live for? And: Nothing in this world satisfies, so why continue living? As I told them about those questions that I struggled with, I was desperately praying this prayer. God, reveal to me why I believe. Reveal to me my testimony. But nothing came. And I came to the end of those questions, and I stopped. This is the point where I should share about how God had come into my life and how this revelation struck my heart and how I had started weeping from the sheer beauty of it all - but I couldn’t, because it wasn’t true. That revelation didn’t happen. I had no answer. And so I sat there, mouth open like a gaping fish, while they looked expectantly at me. I couldn’t say anything. She began to ask questions about my questions and Jonathan began trying to answer those questions and the conversation drifted away. Inside me, I begged God for an answer. If I am Christian, Lord, and I know I am - what is my testimony?And then something clicked inside of me. I was seeking a sort of logical connection between the questions I asked and Jesus. I had backed myself into a philosophical corner and was trying to use human logic to make sense of why I believed in God. But there is no other answer besides Jesus. He is the beginning and the end of our salvation. I follow Jesus because of who he is - and that was my revelation from God. Once I realized that, I knew that was my testimony. My story could simply be that I realized Jesus a perfect, authoritative, beautiful, compassionate human and Son of God, and that I could do nothing but follow this person. It was that simple all along. God revealed himself to me in that moment - no one nor any thing could have revealed that to me except God Most High. At that moment, this joy and peace filled my heart and I praised God for his goodness.Once this revelation happened, I returned to the conversation, asked if I could share about the rest of my story, and proceeded to talk about Jesus for the next hour or so. It was amazing. Jesus is my testimony. I never realized, can you imagine? Haha. Anyways, I will end this post with a biblical call to action.

Praise our God,
  all you his servants,
you who fear him,
  small and great.
- Revelations 19:5

Lord,

I just want to shout how gracious and amazing you are. Just one week ago, my knowledge and understanding about your heart for non-Christians was so limited. And then you opened my eyes to them, and you have answered that desire and heart for non-Christians by leading me to so many. By your grace, you have led me to other whom I can share about your great love. The moment my heart understood that I needed, needed, to love non-Christians, you gave me people. The Saudi international, Vietnamese government worker, the Chinese grad student. My GOD, how great thou art. A week, not even, and already you have allowed me to do something about this heart for them. Please humble me, and continue to use me to reach out to non-Christians. In your name I pray, Amen.

Daniel Tan

Lord,

I just wanted to say how awesome you are. The scale and scope of what you do is so amazing and intricate. Three weeks ago, I began a GIG-leaders training without really committing to it. I mean, Joy just asked for people who were interested in GIGs, not if you wanted training! But I didn’t say anything, and started learning about GIGing with Michael Perng. But you, Lord, had other plans. The week before Spring Break, by your grace you gave me and Ethan a good conversation at the end of which he agreed to meet to talk more about you. The week after break, the first GIG meeting convened. Later that day, even, you again proved yourself and the second person I was reaching out too also agreed to meet to talk about you. And now RezWeek, Lord - you led me to Brian Vo, and we talked and he wants to learn more about you. From this thing which I did not understand why I did - from it you made it grow and now I’m so excited about what you will do through them, and who you will lead to me throughout this amazing week. Thank you so much for your plans. Humble me, Father, that I might not claim any credit but give it all to you. Send your Holy Spirit onto them, that they might believe in the name of your Son. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Daniel Tan

dperng:

To eat, to breathe
to beget
Is this all there is
Chance configuration of atom against atom
of god against god
I cannot believe it.
Come, Christian Triune God who lives,
Here am I
Shake the world again.

— Francis A. Schaeffer, No Little People, Introduction

(via lifeofjc)

Why is that such a heavy word? As I sit I can hardly bear to think about tomorrow with its whole new set of challenges and difficulties. I wish I could roll into bed tonight and never have to wake up and face the next day. Jesus said: “Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” HOW ARE YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT TOMORROW?! And yet every time I do it weighs down on my heart. Sometimes I think about all the tomorrows that I have to face, and then I stop, because that thought path is too depressing. 20 years of this? 30? 40? How am I supposed to live forty years like this, each and every day a wearying battle? Life is supposed to be a blessing but isn’t that more of a curse?

I know the answers to my untruthful assertions. But I don’t understand. Where is the Holy Spirit, the joy unending, the constant gospel-sharing? Jesus I need you.

I finally understand what people mean when they say: “God is constant through the storm.” It means that when the swirl of emotions, circumstances and the world drown your sanity and the presence of God is reduced to a speck, that speck will always be there. It is immovable, un-budgeable (I think I just made up a word), and invincible. I imagine a giant cliff and the only hold I have on the cliff is the speck. To let go is to fall.

I realize I sound as if I got this down. “Hang on to God, folks.” Please don’t misunderstand. This is what I learned, not what I mastered.

In the past I tried to reconcile my emotions with the God I follow.

“I feel down, so I’m praying wrong.”
“Wow I feel so in touch, I gotta keep praying like this.”

Matching my emotions with God doesn’t work. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? If I can’t trust myself, who is there to trust? The answer is, of course, God. The speck fills your empty shell. In a soul, there is no room for anything but God. No circumstance but the cross, no emotion but love.

For yours is the kingdom, power, and glory, forever and ever,

Amen.

Last week, walking to 7 AM prayer, I passed by a homeless man carrying a guitar on his back and walking a dog. A big white beard covered his face, and he wore a hat with a handkerchief tied around it. We were in front of Jack-in-the-box, and as I passed the restaurant my heart beat faster - I could feel God nudging me, “Talk to the guy. Treat him to some food.” So with sweaty palms and a thumping heart I turn around and ask him if he wants some Jack-in-the-box. He says, “Yeah, that’ll be awesome!” and we go in. I get him a Meaty Burrito with hot coffee. We talk about him. He’s from New Orleans, his dog is named Puppy, she’s 18 months old and wonderfully obedient, and he was a marine engineer, can you believe it?! He was telling me about how they used car tires to change the gears on a ship! It really surprised me, especially since he’s, you know, homeless now. Anyways, we go to CHOP, and I told him to wait for me, and then we could chat after prayer. But after prayer, he’s not there :’( And he said he was leaving for New Orleans soon! He got in that day, but wanted to go back, and was waiting for a couple of guys to come and pick him up.

But yesterday I saw him again! I go to CVS to buy toilet paper and there’s a guy playing guitar outside of it. Then I see a familiar dog - it’s Daniel! :D So I chat with him for a long while. He is really, really good at guitar. He does this strumming technique where he hits the strings with his pick and his index finger so it plays each string twice - making the sound that much richer. And he can finger-pick so well. He told me a Ph. d in music once taught him a wholeeeee bunch of stuff about guitar (I didn’t know you could get a Doctorate in Music, but I guess it makes sense), but he forgot them all. Said that he forgot more than most people know - and I believed him. I sit down and attempt to imitate him (sitting down on the sidewalk and playing his guitar!) but failed. Miserably. Anyways - he was waiting for his friends that came - some younger homeless friends from New Orleans had come to Austin to look for him, specifically! So he was leaving that day. I just happened to catch him. The younger friends that came - he called them “kids,” and when I asked him about it, they weren’t really his kids, but he watched out for them, “kept them from doing anything too stupid,” he said. That really encouraged me for some reason. It’s nice to think that those kids had a father figure - him. Someone they looked up to and respected. And that he had people to care for, too - someone to watch out for, who you don’t want to see hurt. That’s just…encouraging. I bought him two bags of M&Ms, for the road.

I just wanted to put this all down, so I don’t forget it.

What is salvation?

I’ve always had doubts about the state of my soul. Am I saved? These struggles - do they indicate the presence of God or a lack of Him? But always, always, always, I would brush those doubts aside, reassuring myself with a couple of reasons:

1. I know that, because of his miracles, that Jesus was God incarnate. And, after three years of ministry, that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead.

2. I have felt the presence of God in my life - cried, felt his peace, heard his call.

3. Everyone else struggles.

But as I prayed, deep down, I realized that I fundamentally believed that I was lord of my life, and not Jesus. I was NOT saved. I pulled out this booklet that Koinonia gave me, called Course 101, that detailed the fundamentals of Christianity and the way to salvation. As I read, my heart sank when it reached the part titled: Inadequate Views of Salvation.

James 2:19 - “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that - and shudder.”

This point kills my first two reasons. Demons definitely believe in all the facts of salvation - that a God exists, he is the Christian God, that Jesus was the Son of God and that he rose from the dead. In fact, their grasp of those facts are probably firmer than our own. We struggle with doubt, but the devil was an eyewitness to the Resurrection. Demons feel emotion in the presence of God - shuddering. Crying/hearing/feeling him can occur without salvation - God is everywhere, after all.

Of course, everyone struggles is just a moot point. Salvation is between you and God - it doesn’t matter how far ahead or left behind others are in their walk.

Salvation is this: do you believe that Jesus is LORD?

I understood this, and my mouth had said those words before: Jesus is Lord. What do I believe?!

That I am Lord.

So I prayed: God, save me from myself. Save me from myself. Over and over. Save me, because I know I need you but I still pull away. Sometime during this prayer, I suddenly imagine me standing on a boat. The surface of the water is choppy, and the boat is a simple rowboat. Jesus is standing before me on the water and his hand is outstretched towards me, the question implicit in his posture: will you trust in me?

I pause. This is it. Decide now. And do not decide lightly - count the costs. Luke says, “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘this fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’” Make this decision, and make it with a full understanding of what it entails. Count the cost. In my imagination, I knelt before him and lifted my hands to him, my life in my hands. I kinda imagined my life to be this sort of ectoplasmic blob. And Jesus takes it. And I said: Jesus is Lord.

Sigh - At that moment, I thought I had finally recieved my salvation. But now, removed from the quiet of my room, my doubts and former longings had returned. What changed? Has my salvation state changed? Was I not a Christian, and now am, or are my struggles simply the same? I do not know.

But please, I ask everyone - are you saved? You can believe all the facts, understand all the reasons and feel all the emotions, like I did, but is Jesus your LORD? I procrasinated - I know I did. Everytime doubts came up, I brushed them aside, partly out of my own understanding of the facts, but partly because I was LAZY and didn’t feel like spending time to think about something I felt was already decided. Do not stand up and say to yourself: the business is over, and the deed is done. I am a Christian - now on to bigger and better things. Kneel before God and finish it. Do not gloss over this decision. People more eloquent than me have written volumes on this subject, so I’ll stop writing. I’ll leave you with a question:

Are you saved?